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https://www.localoptimist.com/blog/stories/Yh_MVRAAACIA8Nqj

Listen to episode forty-one of The Madhappy Podcast with Madhappy co-founders Mason Spector and Peiman Raf and our podcast producer Phineas Ellis.

Episode 41: Identity and Immigration

We’re available at 310.299.9414 to chat about general anxiety and depression, relationships, stress, communication, self discovery, creativity, grief, and anything else on your mind. We’ve also organized a list of great resources out there to help navigate mental health crises and suicide support. Check out some options for immediate and long term support here.

There are so many ways to get involved in the mental health community. This is our starter guide for joining the movement.

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Acknowledging, accepting, and connecting with your inner child can lead to greater self-acceptance and healing.

Getting to Know Your Inner Child

The inner child is a real, psychological reality that lives in our unconscious. It is our fragmented childhood that lives underneath our day-to-day consciousness and is responsible for so much of our behavior and the way we relate to the world.

Your inner child is an expression of your early lived experiences and is carried with you for your whole life. What we experience as children does not simply go away - it stays with us and develops into behaviors, beliefs, and patterns. Acknowledging, accepting, and conversing with your inner child is not a regression from adulthood but rather a progression towards self-acceptance and stable mental health. 

So many of our wounds, as well as our outlook on life, were shaped during childhood. In order to learn more about ourselves and why we are the way we are, we need to find that child, reconnect with them, and talk to them. 

No one is exempt from experiencing childhood trauma, but one clinically proven form of healing from trauma is connecting with your inner child. Many anxieties, insecurities, and fears that we hold onto are a reflection of a wounded inner child, and healing those traumas can contribute to feeling better about our present-day selves.

Simply becoming aware of your inner child is the first step towards healing those wounds. To live healthfully in adulthood requires us to accept the pain of the past and the primary responsibility for taking care of our inner child’s needs. It also means accepting yourself as a “good enough” parent to them now.

“You’re allowed to use your childhood trauma to inform and dignify your adult dreams, rather than perpetuate more trauma in adulthood. Give yourself that permission. You deserve it.”

DETAILS

As adults, we can learn to be our own inner parent in order to form newer patterns and behaviors that best serve us. It just takes a playful mindset and implementing some small steps that work to validate our inner child’s pain, fear, and perspectives without judgment. 

Take a moment each day this week, perhaps before bed or after waking up, to converse with your inner child and determine what messages and needs your inner child may be expressing.

Revisit childhood memories by flipping through old photo albums, yearbooks, and memorabilia. Pick one photo or memorabilia and journal about what it felt like to be that age. 

Write a letter or journal entry to your inner child. Write out questions that you have, explore past experiences, and reflect upon how you feel about your younger self when you think of them now.

Write a letter to your parents or guardians speaking all of your truths and don’t send it. 

Play! Engage in a playful activity that you truly loved as a child. 

Try this Inner Child Meditation practice.

Questions to start a conversation with your inner child:

What messages did I get around who I was or who I was supposed to be?

What activities or actions did I take part in to receive love or approval?

Were there secrets or topics that we (or I) did not discuss or hid from friends/family?

Did I feel free to be myself as a child? Why/why not?

When I felt scared or hurt, how did a parent/guardian address my emotions? 

HOMEWORK

Finding & Getting To Know Your Inner Child

Essential Secrets of Psychotherapy: The Inner Child

CITE YOUR SOURCES

By choosing to learn from our failures, we open ourselves up to endless possibilities.

How to Develop a Growth Mindset

Growing up I absolutely hated math. Geometry, algebra, calculus (let’s be honest, I didn’t even make it to calculus), they were all bad in my book. As I’m sure you’ve already guessed, this was because math was a subject I wasn’t that great in. At a certain point I resigned myself to the idea that I was just inherently bad at it, and if that was the case, what could really be done? 

Enter renowned Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck and her concept of having a “fixed mindset” versus a “growth mindset.”  

According to my early logic, I couldn’t improve my math skills (or any other deficits I might have) because, in the words of Lady Gaga, I was born this way. To Dweck, this is a classic example of a fixed mindset, or the idea that we are only given a certain amount of skills and intelligence and can’t improve upon them. In her book, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” Dweck argues that we can reverse these limiting beliefs we have about ourselves by adopting a growth mindset. A growth mindset entails believing that through effort and hard work we can actually cultivate new traits and talents.  

Superstars like Michael Jordan, Jackson Pollack and WNBA player Candace Parker are all people Dweck cites as having a growth mindset. What sets them apart? The way they approach challenges. While a person with a fixed mindset sees a challenge as a threat, something that could upend their core beliefs about themselves and reveal their weaknesses, a person with a growth mindset gets curious when faced with an obstacle or failure by looking to the situation to learn how they can improve. “Learning something new, something hard, sticking to things, that’s how you get smarter,” Dweck explains. “Setbacks and feedback aren’t about your ability, they can be used as intel to help yourself get better.”  

Over time, having a growth mindset can help build confidence and lead to a happier, more fulfilling existence. So, how can you begin applying a growth mindset to your own life? Below, we’ve outlined three key steps to get you started.   

Details

Let’s get one thing straight, we’re all a mixture of fixed and growth mindsets. The good news is that the more we start applying a growth perspective to one area of our lives, the easier it becomes to apply it to others. Ask yourself questions: when does the “I can’t” feeling come up most for you? Is it when you’re scared? Confused? Intimidated? Knowing the types of situations your fixed mindset is most likely to show up in can help you start to usher in a growth mindset in its place. 

Of course, adopting a growth mindset requires that you take risks and step out of your comfort zone, so it’s natural if you find yourself in the thick of negative self-talk in the beginning. While Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) won’t turn you from a fixed mindset person to a growth mindset person overnight, it’s a great way to begin addressing the thought patterns that no longer serve you by making you aware of the negative thoughts in the first place. If you’re interested in finding a CBT practitioner and you have insurance, call your provider to find a therapist within your network. If, like many of us, you’re uninsured, check out this free CBT online workbook or The Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. ABCT not only lists therapists in private practice, but practitioners that work at low-cost clinics as well. 

2. Reframe the way you look at setbacks 

As I said before, people with a growth mindset look at setbacks and challenges as a way to learn and get better, rather than as a roadblock. It’s a simple concept, but it can be difficult to put into practice when you’re used to operating from a fixed place. To start, Dweck says, “When you have a setback, think about your goal and what you could do to stay on track toward achieving it. What steps could you take to help yourself succeed? What information could you gather?”  Approaching a problem with this attitude makes failure a lot less scary because it inspires the kind of creative thinking you need to move forward rather than taking the fetal position on the bathroom floor (hey, we’ve all been there). 

Take the British Olympic gold medalist Ben Hunt-Davis as an example. His rowing team was finishing in seventh place throughout the nineties until they completely overhauled their training sessions. How did they do this? By looking to their failures for ways to improve. The team was losing because they had only focused on being the best physically when they trained. What they needed was strategy. At the top of each practice they started asking, “Specifically, what are we trying to achieve in this session? And in order to achieve that what do we need to change?” Training in this way provided them with the information they needed to win gold at the Sydney Olympics the following year. 

The hardest part of switching to a growth mindset from a fixed mindset is taking the information you’ve gathered from a challenge and putting it to action. Dweck recommends that the next time you come up against a hard thing, visualize exactly how you’re going to get it done by identifying the When, the Where and the How. You want a raise at work, but you psych yourself out when you think about having the conversation with your boss. Get into the nitty gritty. Tell yourself, “After I have my morning coffee at my desk, I’m going to knock on my boss’ door and set up a time to discuss my salary.” The focus here should be on the process and the steps you took to make a change, not the outcome. But, if you happen to be denied this time, instead of feeling rejected, think about what you can do to improve your chances of getting a raise the next time around. This, my friends, is a growth mindset in practice. The more you train yourself to think and act in this way, the more you’ll start to see that nothing is out of reach when you put your (growth) mind to it. 

Homework

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success - Carol Dweck

“How Praise Became a Consolation Prize” - The Atlantic 

Episode 178: Olympic Lessons - The Growth Mindset Podcast 

Keep the conversation going by commenting on this story below. You can also connect with us about whatever’s on your mind by texting The Local Optimist Hotline at 310.299.9414 and subscribing to our bi-monthly newsletter here. 

Cite Your Sources

Active listening can help us build deeper connections with the people we care about, increase our knowledge, avoid missing critical information, and identify + solve problems.

How to Practice Active Listening

Although roughly 60 percent of the time we spend communicating is devoted to listening, we only retain about 25 percent of what we are told. 

Understanding comes from listening – truly listening. When listening goes beyond simply hearing someone and crosses over into understanding, we call that active listening. Active listening is a skill and, like any skill, it needs to be practiced. Even if you’re a classic interrupter or an excited conversationalist, active listening is a skill you can build out and employ often.

An important characteristic of active listening is that it keeps you engaged in a positive way. When that happens, you can truly understand what someone is trying to communicate, instead of settling for what you think they are saying or what you want to hear. It’s a form of listening that allows your friends, family, and loved ones to feel heard, valued, and understood. 

When it’s done poorly, active listening looks like the classic therapist trope of a client laying on a Freudian-style chaise lounge with a bespectacled therapist asking, “Now how does that make you feel?” While this may feel like you're making an effort, more often it comes across as someone trying to check a box and move on without really being thoughtful.

What makes someone a good listener is their ability to genuinely pay attention. Asking clarifying questions to make sure you accurately understand the message being delivered is a hallmark of good listeners. 

Active listening can help us build deeper connections and trust with the people we care about. It also helps us increase our knowledge, avoid missing critical information, and identify and solve problems. To get started, read our guide to active listening, below.

You know what they say: practice makes perfect. The key is to not be too hard on yourself or second-guess everything you say to those closest to you. It’s about putting into practice the steps that will grow your understanding of and empathy towards the people in your life. When you see the results, you’ll understand that it was well worth the effort.

Don’t get stuck in your own head or think about what you are going to say next. Stay present with what the person is saying now. 

Your job is to listen and validate, not to solve problems. Instead of offering advice, try paraphrasing what is being said to make sure you have a clear understanding.

Show your attentiveness by asking probing questions that will prompt the person you’re talking to to tell you more. This shows you’re engaged and interested.

Don’t ignore what you don’t understand. If you’re uncertain, ask, “Is that what you mean?” to ensure that you’re correct.

Sometimes being attuned means holding space and tolerating silence, instead of succumbing to the urge to fill in those moments. Just be there. Simply giving someone the space to put their feelings into words can help them see things more objectively.

Don’t rush to “top” someone’s story with your own similar anecdote. Although shared experiences can bring us closer, it’s important to finish listening to and absorbing their story before you jump in with “That reminds me of a time when…” 

How To Practice Active Listening - Very Well Mind

Active Listening: The Art of Empathetic Conversation - Positive Psychology

To be a Local Optimist means to choose to look at things through an optimistic lens, to recognize that you have an impact on the world around you, and to operate from a place of gratitude.

How to Be a Local Optimist

Optimism (​​hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something) is a term we all know well. It’s frequently used to brush away negative thought patterns (“be optimistic!”) or to describe the people we know who never seem to feel down. In that process, which some might call toxic positivity, it’s lost some very important nuance. 

When we founded The Local Optimist in 2019, we were looking to create a home for conversations grounded in both reality and hope – a place to hold space for the full spectrum of human emotions and experience. To sum it up, we coined Local Optimist, a simple but many-layered term. Although some of its beauty lies in the fact that its meaning can shapeshift depending on who’s using it, there are some core tenets of Local Optimism that hold true regardless. 

To be a Local Optimist means to choose to look at things through an optimistic lens often, to recognize that you can have an impact on the world around you just by being intentional with those in your immediate orbit, and to operate from a place of gratitude (both for yourself and others). You don’t have to do all of these things perfectly or even every day, it’s about showing up and giving it your best effort whenever you can.

For more on living like a Local Optimist, read our full guide, below.

There is so much in our lives that we can’t control, but one of the most important things we do have control over is our mindset and outlook on life. You can embrace the low moments and the sadness that are a vital part of life while also choosing to be optimistic throughout. As Madhappy co-founder Mason Spector puts it, “approaching each and every day with a sense of positivity and gratitude can take us a long way.”

The way we think directly impacts our mental and physical health: ​​studies have shown that a single positive thought can trigger feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones, like dopamine and serotonin and decrease the risk of heart disease and inflammation. Try this: when you wake up in the morning, before you grab your phone and let work stress infiltrate your mind, focus on one great thing that happened the day before or that you’re looking forward to that day. If your commute to work is a mess, share something else when you get to the office instead. You’ll be surprised how quickly this shifts your mood throughout the day.

The Scottish sociologist Patrick Geddes famously suggested that people “Think globally, act locally.” Although he was referring to our collective impact on the environment at the time, his guidance holds true for optimism as well: we can’t change the world in a day, or with one action, but how we act within our own communities adds up and reverberates beyond us. “One conversation, one act of courage or vulnerability, can create a domino effect that has the potential to change people's lives,” explains Spector.

Though we tend to forget this, the energy we carry rubs off on those around us, whether it's a clerk at the grocery store, a colleague at work, or a romantic partner. You can use intentionality to make an impact with the tools you already have: go out of your way to give someone a compliment when you’d normally just keep the thought to yourself or create a space for deeper connection by asking someone how they’re really doing and letting them know they can give you an honest answer. These small shifts in behavior go a long way. 

There’s a reason you’ve heard this advice many times before – operating from a place of gratitude rather than scarcity really does make you and those around you feel better. Multiple studies have shown that giving thanks and counting your blessings can lower stress, result in better sleep, and improve our relationships. Our co-founder Peiman Raf swears by it: “There is so much comparison and judgment that happens all day long, particularly online, that it really helps me to get grounded and thankful for what I have in my life.”

The key is to show love not just for other people, or the things you have, but for yourself, too (we’re big on treating yourself like someone you love). Whether it's every day or once a week, start a practice of writing out 3-5 things you’re grateful for. If it helps, try splitting them into categories (one person, one quality of your own, one external thing or experience, and so on). It’s a great way to kick off the day optimistically or wind down before bed in a hopeful headspace.

Research shows that it takes 66 days to form a new habit, but if you stay consistent, it can take less than half that time. To help you get started, follow our three golden rules for habit formation.

How To Build a Habit That Sticks

Habits are actions made on a repetitive basis with little to no effort or thought. They can even become subconscious actions. Some habits are new, and some are old – new habits are the things you do; old habits are the things you are. It’s the difference between eating a healthy meal vs. being a healthy eater.

The key to forming new habits is to practice them so consistently that they cross the threshold into being life-long characteristics that you don’t give a second thought to. The ability to form and maintain habits allows us to push ourselves into new terrain and grow as individuals.

As Tynan writes in “Superhuman by Habit: A Guide to Becoming the Best Possible Version of Yourself, One Tiny Habit at a Time,” they are the “loophole that allows you to upgrade your health, quality of life, productivity, and enjoyment of the world.”

On average, research shows that it takes 66 days to form a new habit, but in many cases, it can take less than half that time. Everyone builds and breaks habits differently but experts agree that one of the best ways to form habits is by starting small, staying consistent, and increasing at a manageable pace. The most important thing is to take the actions that make the most sense for you and your lifestyle. To help get you to form a habit that sticks, check out our three golden rules below.

The Three Golden Rules of Habit Formation:

1. PICK A HABIT
Choose something that you have been wanting to work on for a while and are passionate about sticking to. It can be something like working out, eating healthier, meditating, or taking piano lessons. The first step is identifying what habit you want to create and ensuring that it’s important to you; otherwise, it will be hard to maintain. Remember to start small and not expect perfection on day one. If you have never meditated before and now want to try, start with 1 minute a day and work your way up as you go.
2. CONSISTENCY IS KEY
“Better to maintain a modest life-long habit than to start an extreme habit that can’t be sustained for a single year.”
Make it non-negotiable that you don’t miss a day. When I was in college, I made exercise a habit by printing out my course schedule and then blocking out an hour every weekday for a workout. It was on the calendar, printed and posted on the door for all to see, making it much harder to go back on.
Having an accountability buddy is a fun way to keep you on track and make habit formation a bit more social and exciting. Pick someone you trust who also has a habit they’re working on and send each other reminders to mediate or updates on your daily run time to keep each other motivated.

3. INCREASE AT A MANAGEABLE PACE
Forgive yourself if you slip up one day, but don’t use that as a reason to stop trying. Use your mistakes to motivate your drive. To help avoid the letdowns, opt for bite-sized goals that are manageable on a daily basis. Instead of trying to go from never running to running a 10k, opt for bite-sized goals like running for 5 minutes, then walking for 5, and repeat. You’ll be surprised how quickly those small steps add up to something larger.

Do your own research! Start with the resources below.

A Guide To Becoming The Best Possible Version Of Yourself.

An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones.

A collection of TED Talks (and more) on the topic of Goal-setting.

If you struggle with justifying rest due to hustle culture, there are a few things you can do to ease that transition.

How To Prioritize Rest Without Guilt

There was once a meme that changed my life. It read: 

How to know you’ve internalized capitalism: 

You determine your worth based on your productivity

Your primary concern is to make yourself profitable

You think “hard work” is what brings happiness 

I came across this a few years ago and it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I had recently transitioned from a 9 to 5 to a freelance, scary-exciting endeavor. With that transition came a lot of sacrifice in the work-life balance scale. I was overcompensating for my “reckless” (or brave! depending on your risk-taking comfortability) transition by never “turning off” because that is what I was seeing modeled by other freelancers on social media. The only thing was, they seemed to have a romantic, fun, whirlwind of a creative work life while I felt like a duck, trying to play it cool gliding across the pond while my little webbed feet were frantically paddling to keep up underneath. This was before the term “hustle culture” was coined, back when we all continued to pretend that work was enough to fulfill our lives. 

As more jobs become automated and capitalism meets social media, there seems to be a collective shift towards work needing to bring more meaning to our lives than simply making ends meet. How many kids grow up dreaming of honing a trade skill versus becoming the next big influencer? It’s no longer enough to have a job that makes money that will finance your interests and passions, the job itself has to be related (at least in part) to your interests and passions in order for it to have meaning and purpose (which preys on our limiting beliefs that we aren’t good enough unless we achieve that “meaningful” job). 

My limiting belief, the one that packed the punch in that meme when I was just trying to casually scroll through IG for some ‘me time’ as opposed to being accosted by a truth bomb, was the guilt that would seep it’s way into my brain when I was not “productive enough”. 

This assessment of productivity was always arbitrary, dependent upon my mood (which is known for its capriciousness), and always wrapped up in “shoulds”. I should be able to get more done in a day. I shouldn’t take a break for lunch, I should do dishes while I listen to the podcast I need to edit so I can knock out two birds with one stone. So I would act on these “shoulds” until I was so burnt out and on the other side of the stress curve that my body forced me to rest. 

While the pressure for your career to match your dreams does feel uniquely American, I would bet my bottom dollar that it’s snaking its way across the globe. As it does, we are becoming an increasingly unfulfilled and burnt out population that has internalized capitalism so deeply we’ve allowed ourselves to believe that the solution is to simply buy more things in the name of “self-care.” This cruel merry-go-round keeps us feeling like we are not working hard enough and can’t make enough money to give ourselves the best “self-care” when, the truth is, “self-care” as capitalism pitches it, will never give us the deep rest we so desperately need. As psychiatrist Lea Lis explains in Psychology Today, “Hustle culture advocates using ‘me-time’ as a Band-Aid for burnout, but this isn't enough to reprogram the stress that many people feel.” Even when “me time” means Netflix-binging as opposed to tasks that still feel productive, like doing the dishes, it’s not enough. Most of the time our “me time” involves engaging in another distraction to distance us from our emotions and mindfulness - the exact opposite of the solution we so desperately need. 

What is enough to make space for that reprogramming? Rest. Good, old-fashioned, deep and restorative rest. 

Now, despite how capitalism has framed it, true self-care isn’t centered around buying things. When we talk about rest and self-care, we are talking about activities that provide healthy distraction and/or comfort, as well as activities that help us find meaning, growth, and groundedness. Activities we talk about a lot around here, such as: meditation and mindfulness practices, taking a digital detox, going on a neighborhood walk, and writing in a journal.

The key here is to aim for deep rest, as opposed to shallow rest. Deep rest is restorative, healing, and grounding. Shallow rest is what tricks our brains into thinking we are “resting” when in fact we are just avoiding the present, like doom scrolling and binging Netflix. These are distractions that keep us away from how we are feeling and out of touch with the present moment. 

So how do we learn to embrace deep rest? 

While there are boundaries you can set to avoid workplace burnout, tackling the root of burnout starts with looking beyond your career and redefining what success means to you. Take an intentional ten minutes to journal what living a “successful” life would look like for you, without mentioning career or money. Is success making an impact on your community? Is it having a family? Is it finally picking up painting? Is it living your truth? 

Grounding into the present through mindfulness is another great way to get into a space to unpack this further for yourself. Hold compassionate space for your feelings, limit your time online, and prioritize connection with friends and family.

If you struggle with justifying rest due to our capitalistic culture, there are a couple things you can do to ease that transition:

Firstly, implement a shut down routine at the end of every work day to transition from deep work to deep rest. Write down everything you didn’t accomplish at the end of the day with an accompanying action item for each task where you can begin again tomorrow or on Monday. Putting this down on paper allows your brain to know its waiting for you later, so that you can relinquish the need to angst over it now and instead, focus on rest. 

Another great way to transition out of the hustle culture mindset is by finding new avenues for getting into a flow state that aren’t tied to money. A flow state is a feeling where, under the right conditions, you become fully immersed in whatever you are doing. Flow states are the best part of work tasks, but you can experience them in many other endeavors, from athletics to art. Try out new hobbies, such as painting or running, that can help get you out of the work-work-work headspace and into one that’s purely for your enjoyment.

Lastly, talk it out! Talking about your feelings around rest with a trusted friend, family member, or even a professional is a great way to work through your resistance. 

Deprogramming your internalized capitalism is mental health work! So, in a last ditch effort to convince you to rest, technically we could even reframe our definition of “productive” to include this work... because what’s more productive than caring for our mental wellness?

"The Truth About the Hustle Culture" - Taylor's University

"Why Are Young People Pretending to Love Work?" - The New York Times

"Why We Need to Address Hustle Culture" - Psychology Today

"The 'Rise and Grind' of Hustle Culture" - Psychology Today

Keep the conversation going by commenting on this story below. You can also connect with us about whatever’s on your mind by texting The Local Optimist Hotline at 310.299.9414 and subscribing to our bi-monthly newsletter here.

Cite your sources

Bedtime is a prime time for cringing at things we said throughout the day or worrying about the future, but there are things we can do to work through it.

Toolkit: Combatting Anxiety at Night

It was a couple years ago when I finally realized that I am not just “super sensitive” or manic pixie chic, I have an anxiety disorder. It was getting in the way of my writing craft, my peace, and my relationships. 

Over time, and out of necessity more than anything, I learned how to interrupt my anxious mind and its subsequent overreactions with rational thought. With practice, the once-awkward and forced techniques I relied on became second nature.  However, it still seems like the second the lights go out and my head hits the pillow, all that I’ve learned flies right out the window. My thoughts frenzy into a whirlwind of worst case scenarios and negativity and after literal hours of thrashing around, it’s only full force exhaustion that ends the waking nightmare. But even then, it doesn’t fully stop –  my sleep quality is poor and my dreams are bonkers. 

Why is it that, if I can be so level-headed and at peace during the day, my anxiety suddenly becomes unmanageable at night?

“Nighttime is when we’re supposed to shut down and go to sleep. The pressure to ‘turn everything off’ can be immense, ” says Whitney Goodman, a licensed psychotherapist and owner of the Collaborative Counseling Center. We’re getting into bed with “on” brains, and then expecting to instantly be at ease. At the same time, she says, “if you’re busy during the day, the evening is the first time you’re alone with your thoughts,”  making it the prime time for cringing at things we said throughout the day or worrying about the future. 

The good news is that we’re not doomed to a lifetime of anxious nights, there are plenty of tips and tricks to help us work through it. I’ve outlined my favorites, below.

1. Create an anti-anxiety bedtime routine  

 According to Goodman, dealing with nighttime anxiety is “all about creating a bedtime routine that inspires relaxation and tells your brain that bedtime is coming.” To her, one of the most important aspects of this routine is to get off technology. I know, you’ve heard this a thousand  times, but blue light from your screens really does block your melatonin production and make it harder to fall asleep. Algorithms are also created to feed constant dopamine loops and, in my experience, they inspire unhealthy comparison, FOMO, and weird stalking patterns. This doom scrolling is definitely not the kind of relaxation Goodman is talking about. 

One of the biggest bummers about nighttime anxiety is how lack of sleep makes anxiety worse. “When one has insufficient sleep, one is likely to experience moodiness, irritability, unhappiness, disrupted eating, or concentration problems,” says Dr. Michael Mazius, a clinical psychologist from New York. “All of these problems can be troubling and create even more anxiety, which becomes a vicious cycle.”

His suggestion for an anti-anxiety bedtime routine? Tuning into your body, where a lot of our anxiety presents itself. Doing gentle yoga, stretching, or any kind of feel good movement can help release tension that would otherwise feel amplified when lying in bed. He also suggests trying a hot bath. Add in a couple of de-stressing CBD drops, some soothing music, and a cup of chamomile tea? You’re doing great, sweetie. 

Now, imagine for a second that you’ve finished your anti-anxiety bedtime routine and yet your mind is still racing. Let’s look at the bigger picture for a quick sec. According to Dr. Mazius,  persistent nighttime anxiety is a clue that some deeper self-awareness work is needed. "If you find yourself anxious at night, there is something happening during the day that either you aren't aware of or you think you're addressing healthfully, but really aren't,” he says. This is where self-awareness comes into play. To start, Dr. Mazius suggests reflecting on the questions: “What, really, might be bothering me?” and “Am I really addressing it in an effective way?” The answers can help you figure out what needs to change. 

Ongoing anxiety at night may also be a sign that our daytime coping strategies for anxiety aren’t working like we thought they were. That could look like pouring all of your energy into a task so that you don’t have to register your anxiety only to have it bubble up later. Maybe you have a conflict with a family member and have been trying to simply let it go, only to wind up obsessing about what you truly want to say. 

It’s important to check in on this before it gets worse.  “Anxiety is pesky,”' says Jaime Castillo, founder of Find Your Shine therapy. “The more it is ignored the more it persists.” 

Since anxiety tends to focus on the past and future, finding ways to bring ourselves back into the present moment can be a game changer. To do this, Castillo says there are a few different tools we can rely on.  Grabbing a journal and writing out what you’re feeling before bed is a great place to start. “If there is a particularly pesky thought that is keeping you up, putting it down on paper can help free up some space in your head,” she says. “It communicates to your anxiety that you're going to address its concern later, but now it's time to sleep.” 

Guided visualizations are also a life saver! Personally, when my stream of thoughts turn into a raging river of BS, I imagine myself standing waist deep in a river with a strong current. Then, I imagine a large hand picking me up out of the current and placing me onto the bank, where I lie in plush green grass. In this visualization, I’m literally imagining myself being removed from the negative thought patterns and, by doing so, interrupting the thoughts themselves. If you’re anxious about a particular event, visualizing it going well (rather than the worst case scenario you might be dwelling on) can also help soothe your jitters.

Affirmations are another great tool to try out during sleepless nights.  By repeating them to yourself in your head or out loud, you can actively create new positive thought patterns to replace the negative ones. Castillo suggests trying these:  "I am bigger than my anxiety," "I don't have to solve this problem right now," or "It is okay to rest now." 

 Similarly, breath work can calm our racing hearts and bring us back into our body.. To tap back into your senses and cut short the thought cycle in your head, try looking around your room, feeling the sheets, and listening closely to the world around you. In moments when your anxiety just won’t give up, turn to actions that activate the parasympathetic nervous system, like eating a small snack or splashing your face with cold water. And, if your night time anxiety is getting in the way of your day to day functioning, we recommend speaking to a professional who can help devise a plan that works for you. 

While you might be lying in bed alone, know that you’re not the only one. According to one study, over half of people with anxiety also suffer from sleepless nights.  Luckily, we don’t just have to learn to live with it – there is always a way forward.

Combatting Anxiety at Night

"How to Calm Your Anxiety at Night" - Cleveland Clinic 

"How to beat back night-time anxiety and get to sleep" - NBC 

"How to Ease Anxiety at Night" - Healthline

Balance allows us to navigate life with less stress, ensuring we have the mix of work, play, and rest that works best for us.

Finding Balance in Work, Relationships, and Your Health

To us, balance isn't something we strive to “accomplish” once and for all – it’s an ever-changing place that comes and goes, and differs in meaning, throughout our lives. While the exact definition is different for everyone, balance generally means a sense of equilibrium between the different parts of our lives. It gives us the ability to navigate life with more confidence and less stress, ensuring that we have the mix of work, play, and rest that works best for us. If your life feels way off-balance and you’re not sure where to start, follow our guide below for finding balance at work or school, in your relationships, and with your health.

Navigating balance between work or school and the rest of your life is about managing your energy, setting boundaries, and getting clear on what your priorities are. 

Time is out of our control. There are a finite amount of hours in the day and they seem to always slip away too quickly. Instead of time blocking or organizing your calendar hour per hour, try managing your energy instead (within whichever constraints you’re working with, whether that’s a strict work schedule or family responsibilities). This will allow you to view your tasks with more flexibility and a sense of control. Energy, unlike time, is replenishable (after a nourishing meal or a healthy sleep) and in our control (we can’t change how much time we have but we can make decisions that impact our energy levels). If you know that your brain is on fire in the mornings and burns out around the 3PM slump, get challenging tasks (or the ones you tend to procrastinate) out of your way first. Schedule your meetings after your morning workout if that gives you energy for the day. Balance mindful distractions, like a 20-minute reading break, and coping skills with productive tasks related to work or school. This means, use your energy (and a healthy amount of stress) to get yourself into a focused, flowing, productive state of mind. As Tony Schwartz puts it in The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working, “it’s not how many hours you put in that determines how productive you are, it’s how much energy you’re able to invest during the hours you work.”

Work boundaries can be some of the easiest to slip away as we fear letting our colleagues or bosses down. Not constantly focusing on work can feel like a direct threat to our jobs/school security and, thus, our livelihoods. The same philosophy applies to school boundaries as well. However, setting healthy and fair boundaries helps you avoid burnout and prevents you from adopting the dangerous hustle culture mindset, giving you the energy (!!! see above) you need to be your best self at work or school. Some work and school boundaries you could implement are: not responding to texts/emails/calls past a certain time or on weekends in order to protect your downtime, having a clear schedule and understanding of when you’re available to avoid taking on an unrealistic amount of work, and avoiding toxic conversations and gossip that’s distracting. 

Prioritizing what needs your attention first will help you in your journey to managing your energy. Before you start, make sure your priorities are aligned with your school or work needs. Abundant and clear communication with your boss and coworkers allows you to all be on the same page about what needs to be done. That communication needs to happen with yourself as well. Should stress cleaning your living room to give yourself a clean environment to study in be the top priority or is working on submitting that essay that’s due tomorrow more important? The answer might differ each time, and should be the one that allows you to best manage your stress so you can work productively (more on that in our piece on The Stress Curve). Making lists of what you have to get done, in order of importance, can help you visualize and confirm your priorities.

The irony of finding balance in relationships is that it all starts with independence. How many times does RuPaul have to say it? “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” This is true for all relationships – romantic, platonic, and familial. 

One of the best things we can do for our relationships is to understand our place within them: knowing what is ours and what is the other person’s. This goes for our energy, our projections, our time, our expectations, and our happiness. It’s the balance between having empathy for our friends, for example, without taking on their problems or stress as our own. This also goes for having a grounded sense of happiness within yourself so that your happiness does not rely or depend upon someone outside yourself (frankly, that’s not fair to put on someone you love). It’s about finding a natural rhythm of giving and receiving equally. Knowing when a bad mood is ours or theirs, and having the independence to honor and recognize the difference. (If this audit made you realize you need more boundaries, check out our Friendship Boundaries Toolkit). 

You can’t be everything for everyone. Just like a roommate shouldn’t be expected to be your best friend, therapist, personal chef, and mentor all in one. Having an understanding of each relationship, your unique role within it, and the other party’s role as well, can help you to maintain the balance. This comes (you guessed it) with having more open communication between both parties!

A lot of conversation around balance in relationships centers around the idea that you should be receiving as much as you are giving. While this is true, so is taking accountability for your side of the equation (it is 50%). If you are giving more than you’re receiving, question why that might be: Are you doing so as a means to control or out of a place of insecurity in the relationship? Or are you giving less because you’re more comfortable being taken care of and haven’t confronted your codependency? Taking ownership of the traits and history you’re bringing to the relationship allows you to be a better friend/partner/coworker/sister/etc. 

Balancing our health is a touchy subject since it’s highly individualized. However, health isn’t just about your diet or workout routine. Finding balance with your health comes from tending to your environment, going back to the basics, and putting yourself first. 

Health goes beyond our fitness routine. Tending to our external environment is also an important way to feel more grounded internally. Cleaning and caring for your space reflects how you care for yourself. We know from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that our basic needs of safety and security are felt most prevalently in our home-life. Making your home (whether “home” means a college dorm, childhood house, or apartment with six strangers you met on Craigslist) a safe space for you to feel that you can truly unwind will have a profound impact on your mental health. One way to do this is to dedicate a private space for journaling, reflecting, and/or meditating. It can also be as simple as setting a standard of living to stick to, like a cleaning schedule or a room arrangement that “sparks joy.” 

You’ve heard it your entire life for a reason – the basics are what we need. In fact, we can feel so disconnected from them that you’d be surprised what an impact it can have when we return to them. That means: eight hours of sleep, nourishing and regular meals, drinking plenty of water, getting outside at least once per day, logging off your devices, and regular movement that feels good for you. 

When all else seems to be slipping away, the most important thing to hold onto is your health. When the balancing scale of life feels wobbly, that 30-minute workout or washing the dishes can be the easiest things to throw out the window since they only directly impact you. But these routines lay the foundation for the energy and attention you need to check off the other boxes like engaging in positive relationships, tackling work and school, and addressing your emotional needs.

“Moving Toward Emotional Balance” - Psychology Today

“Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time” - Harvard Business Review 

“6 Signs of A Body, Mind, & Spirit Disconnect” - Kim Egel, MFT

The beauty of running is that it’s accessible (you can do it anywhere, anytime) and amazing for your mental health.

How to Build a Running Habit

The beauty of running is that it’s accessible: you can do it anywhere, anytime, for very little money. Unlike workout classes or exercise routines that require lots of equipment or a specific skill set, running truly meets you wherever you are: putting one foot in front of the other at whatever speed, and for however long, you choose.

It’s also amazing for your mental health, proven to reduce stress, depression, and anxiety, while also improving your memory and ability to learn. As a runner myself, I’ve experienced these effects firsthand: running clears my head, calms me down, and gives me the mental space to work through whatever I’m going through at the moment. While exercise isn’t a replacement for other mental health treatments like therapy and medication, it can be a great mood-booster to add to your arsenal. 

Beyond the effects on your brain and body, finishing a run can leave you feeling accomplished and proud, which strengthens your confidence. Every time I run, it feels like a reminder that I’m mentally tough and can endure hard things. In moments of stress, this has a positive domino effect on the rest of my day or week, giving me a little more confidence to navigate whatever stressors I’m facing in my work or personal life.

Nevertheless, running is the butt of every fitness-themed joke – it’s the workout people love to hate. Many of us were scarred early on by the mile run in gym class and can’t comprehend actually enjoying it but, as someone who made the leap from hating-to-loving about a decade ago, I know it’s possible. You just have to take the pressure off and focus on how you feel above all else. 

To develop a sustainable running habit that won’t burn you out, follow the steps in our guide, below.

Running can go from being something you dread to something you love with the right plan of action. The key is to start slow and make it manageable enough to sustain.

Use the Run-Walk method: Run for 30 secs–1 min, walk for 1–2 min, and repeat for ~20 minutes. Increase the run time and length of workout every few days, until you’re comfortably running for 10-15 minutes without the need for a break.

Check your speed: It’s common for new runners to start off too fast and burn out quickly, so make sure to start slow. Prioritize running longer over faster speed.

The key to forming any new habit is consistency. The more you make time for running, the easier it will feel to get out there and do it.

Keep it regular: Try to run at the same time of day on the same days each week (at least 3x/week). Consistent cues like this help to form new neural pathways in your brain that help with long term habit formation.

Set yourself up for success: Lay out your running gear the night before to encourage you to follow through the next day and track your progress to see how far you’ve come.

If running feels like a punishment, it will be difficult to keep up, so make sure to have fun with it along the way. To keep it enjoyable, try:

Creating new playlists each week or listening to your fave podcast

Running with a group of friends who can help motivate you

Exploring new neighborhoods on your run so it never gets stale

Signing up for a race and inviting your family and friends to watch

Reframing it as a moving meditation (focus on your breath, instead of the outcome)

“Guide: How to Start Running” – The New York Times

“Mental Health Benefits of Jogging and Running” – VeryWell Fit

CITE YOUR SOURCES:

If you are experiencing intrusive body image thoughts—whether occasionally or on a daily basis—these research-backed tips can help you break the cycle.

How to Manage Intrusive Body Image Thoughts

Bodies aren’t always easy to live in—they never quite look or act exactly the way we want them to. Most of us have at least one feature or body part that causes us to feel insecure, and we inevitably get self-conscious about our appearance from time to time. Low body confidence is all too common: a 2019 survey by the Mental Health Foundation in the U.K. found that one in five adults feel shame about their bodies. About one third of respondents said they felt down or low, and 19 percent felt disgusted in relation to their body image. Unrealistic beauty standards perpetuated by the media, misinformation about weight and health, and the endless airbrushing of filters and editing apps have created a culture where anything less than “perfection” can lead to shame. 

For some, intrusive body image thoughts can cause significant distress. People with Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD), for example, experience negative thoughts about their bodies so intensely and frequently that it reduces their daily quality of life. BDD exists on the OCD spectrum and usually develops during a person’s teenage years. It occurs in about 2.5 percent of men, and in 2.2 per cent of women. Those living with BDD tend to fixate on a specific small or imagined flaw like their weight, facial features or skin. 

If you are experiencing intrusive body image thoughts—whether occasionally or on a daily basis— we’ve outlined research-backed tips below to help you break the cycle.

Pinpoint the situations and contexts that trigger concerns about your appearance, then limit your exposure to them. When negative thoughts come up, write down what you were doing, thinking or feeling before your concerns arose in order to identify your triggers. Common triggers include stress, lack of sleep and physical isolation. 

Too much time on social media is also frequently a culprit. Studies have shown that when participants view edited selfies of themselves or others,  they report lower levels of self esteem. The pandemic may have worsened these outcomes – during the months we were stuck inside, we missed out on interacting with real life people and their real life bodies. We got used to seeing curated and airbrushed versions of others instead. If looking at photos of your mutuals leaves you worried that you don’t stack up, remember: what you’re seeing on social media is usually a highly curated, and sometimes filtered, version of real life. 

Challenge—and reframe—your thought patterns

Distorted thinking happens when our minds try to convince us of something that isn’t true. Often, it serves to reinforce critical ideas we have about ourselves or our worth. You may have an intrusive thought like, “My skin is always horrible, no one will ever want to go out with me.” This is an example of black and white thinking (thinking in absolutes rather than seeing life as uncertain and constantly changing) and fortune telling (trying to predict the future).

When these negative statements come up, challenge them. Using the previous example, you might challenge the fortune telling aspect by saying, “I have no way of knowing whether people I am interested in will turn me down based on my appearance—I can’t predict the future.” Or you might challenge the black and white thinking by reminding yourself of moments when your negative thought wasn’t true, like when you took a selfie last week that you liked (skin and all). 

From there, try to reframe the thought in a way that’s less extreme. The goal is to arrive somewhere more moderate, such as: “I feel bad about my skin today, but I have no way of knowing that will stop future partners from finding me attractive. I’ve felt good about my appearance before, and I will get to that state again.” 

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How to Build a Running Habit 11.05.2021

How to Manage Intrusive Body Image Thoughts 10.15.2021

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